I hate being trans
Jan. 22nd, 2019 06:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
blackcoffeeanddarknights(Cw: sexual harassment and transphobia; slurs)
This is kind of a weird post to write, but the Supreme Court (temporarily) upheld the transgender military ban.
I need to talk about it, but not specifically the ban.
*
I saw a transgender woman at work the other day. She asked me where the restroom was; that was my entire interaction with her. I remember my supervisor referring to her to me as "the guy dressed as a girl"; I wasn't really sure how to respond.
I'm working there. And there's another transgender person working there. And we literally have trans people come through on a semi-regular basis. How do you just regress to referring to trans people as "x dressed as y"?
Except I'm not out, and the other transgender gal keeps her head down.
*
When people put together that I'm trans, they always do the same things. They become a little hesitant to engage with me; they side eye me a little more; there's a little bit more pressure to be feminine, without Being A Big, Scary Crossdresser. At the same time, they lose some of their normal boundaries, and they ask me about my body. Sometimes, they sexualize me, and expect me to perform sexuality for them (by which, I mean they expect me to be a much more openly sexual being than I am).
*
Once, I had to listen to a cisgender girl tell me about how badly she wanted to "fuck a s******" with a strap-on. I've had men offer me money for sex after finding out that I was trans- and when I've gone on dates, men usually expect me to be sexual for them almost immediately. There's this feeling you get from cisgender men that you're going to be "freakier" than a cisgender girl, and a lot easier to get in bed; sometimes, their entitlement to your body can be scary.
*
I've been informed that my experiences are somehow inherently different, and that my male socialization grants me an access to my sexuality denied people socialized female.
I was informed this by another trans person. I felt deeply betrayed.
I hate the term. "Male socialization". I've only ever seen it used to silence me, and to infer that I'm lying about my experiences. The continued expectation of sexuality- even when I was just presenting as a feminine male! - has influenced the way I interact with everyone.
*
The expectation that I'm lying when I say I don't want sex. The expectation that I'm lying when I say can't be talked into it. The expectation that I'm lying when I talk about harassment- because I was assigned male! And because that implies an inherent sexual freedom and promiscuity. The assumption that I'm lying, and that I can be pushed into sex, with a little effort.
The expectation that I'm lying is a common theme in my experiences with coming out, with being trans. Transition is seen as deception, and that deception colors everything.
*
I know that many cisgender people don't see me as female unless they don't know that I'm trans. So I keep my mouth shut. So I keep my head down. So I avoid bringing it up, and I avoid going places that could out me.
And I'm afraid.
I'm afraid when cisgender women talk to me about periods.
I'm afraid when aggressive men hit on me at bars.
I'm afraid when cisgender people talk about "crossdressers".
I'm afraid of being outed, and I'm quiet.
*
Even cisgender "allies" distrust trans people. If I'm outed, I'm suspect. And when I'm outed, I feel my height, and my hands, and my voice, and I know that I'm being analyzed for the ghost of manhood- that strange shadow that haunts me, despite me never actually being accepted as a man, even before I transitioned.
*
And we could talk about that; we could talk about how I was seen as feminine and nice, and how the impact of being seen as an effeminate male changes the way that people see and talk and interact with you; we can talk about how men went out of their way to harass or avoid or challenge me, or how some men saw me as a sexual target- because my lack of interest in actually *having* sex was a barrier to be struck down.
And we could talk about how men, as a whole, had no interest in welcoming me into Manhood (which was fine with me, because I had no interest in being a man; I transitioned fairly quickly after moving away from my parents).
Or, alternatively, we Could Not, because discussing it won't make any difference, because despite that, people love to pretend that I have some kind of inherent privilege from being assigned male. Because nobody cares what I have to say, or what my experience was. Because, despite having been perceived as male for nineteen years, my voice was (and still isn't) ever given priority, because I'm too fucking gender-noncomforming; too nice and too feminine and too fucking stupid because of it.
*
When I see the transgender military ban, all I can see is the reminder that many cisgender people do not care about trans folk. That while they do not see me as female, they do see me as a threat; as a delusional tranny, as a fucking dumbass almost-woman trying to work her way into spaces she doesn't belong.
A dumb bitch that needs someone to explain to her why it's actually a good thing that trans people are banned from the military; why it's a good thing for cis people to mistrust trans people; why it's a good thing she doesn't have the same rights as cisgender folk; why actually, she's just a delusional male! And actually, everything's okay! And so why doesn't she just shut up! Because she's not very bright, and she needs to just! be! quiet!
*
And I'm tired.
And I'm afraid.
And I'm quiet.
This is kind of a weird post to write, but the Supreme Court (temporarily) upheld the transgender military ban.
I need to talk about it, but not specifically the ban.
*
I saw a transgender woman at work the other day. She asked me where the restroom was; that was my entire interaction with her. I remember my supervisor referring to her to me as "the guy dressed as a girl"; I wasn't really sure how to respond.
I'm working there. And there's another transgender person working there. And we literally have trans people come through on a semi-regular basis. How do you just regress to referring to trans people as "x dressed as y"?
Except I'm not out, and the other transgender gal keeps her head down.
*
When people put together that I'm trans, they always do the same things. They become a little hesitant to engage with me; they side eye me a little more; there's a little bit more pressure to be feminine, without Being A Big, Scary Crossdresser. At the same time, they lose some of their normal boundaries, and they ask me about my body. Sometimes, they sexualize me, and expect me to perform sexuality for them (by which, I mean they expect me to be a much more openly sexual being than I am).
*
Once, I had to listen to a cisgender girl tell me about how badly she wanted to "fuck a s******" with a strap-on. I've had men offer me money for sex after finding out that I was trans- and when I've gone on dates, men usually expect me to be sexual for them almost immediately. There's this feeling you get from cisgender men that you're going to be "freakier" than a cisgender girl, and a lot easier to get in bed; sometimes, their entitlement to your body can be scary.
*
I've been informed that my experiences are somehow inherently different, and that my male socialization grants me an access to my sexuality denied people socialized female.
I was informed this by another trans person. I felt deeply betrayed.
I hate the term. "Male socialization". I've only ever seen it used to silence me, and to infer that I'm lying about my experiences. The continued expectation of sexuality- even when I was just presenting as a feminine male! - has influenced the way I interact with everyone.
*
The expectation that I'm lying when I say I don't want sex. The expectation that I'm lying when I say can't be talked into it. The expectation that I'm lying when I talk about harassment- because I was assigned male! And because that implies an inherent sexual freedom and promiscuity. The assumption that I'm lying, and that I can be pushed into sex, with a little effort.
The expectation that I'm lying is a common theme in my experiences with coming out, with being trans. Transition is seen as deception, and that deception colors everything.
*
I know that many cisgender people don't see me as female unless they don't know that I'm trans. So I keep my mouth shut. So I keep my head down. So I avoid bringing it up, and I avoid going places that could out me.
And I'm afraid.
I'm afraid when cisgender women talk to me about periods.
I'm afraid when aggressive men hit on me at bars.
I'm afraid when cisgender people talk about "crossdressers".
I'm afraid of being outed, and I'm quiet.
*
Even cisgender "allies" distrust trans people. If I'm outed, I'm suspect. And when I'm outed, I feel my height, and my hands, and my voice, and I know that I'm being analyzed for the ghost of manhood- that strange shadow that haunts me, despite me never actually being accepted as a man, even before I transitioned.
*
And we could talk about that; we could talk about how I was seen as feminine and nice, and how the impact of being seen as an effeminate male changes the way that people see and talk and interact with you; we can talk about how men went out of their way to harass or avoid or challenge me, or how some men saw me as a sexual target- because my lack of interest in actually *having* sex was a barrier to be struck down.
And we could talk about how men, as a whole, had no interest in welcoming me into Manhood (which was fine with me, because I had no interest in being a man; I transitioned fairly quickly after moving away from my parents).
Or, alternatively, we Could Not, because discussing it won't make any difference, because despite that, people love to pretend that I have some kind of inherent privilege from being assigned male. Because nobody cares what I have to say, or what my experience was. Because, despite having been perceived as male for nineteen years, my voice was (and still isn't) ever given priority, because I'm too fucking gender-noncomforming; too nice and too feminine and too fucking stupid because of it.
*
When I see the transgender military ban, all I can see is the reminder that many cisgender people do not care about trans folk. That while they do not see me as female, they do see me as a threat; as a delusional tranny, as a fucking dumbass almost-woman trying to work her way into spaces she doesn't belong.
A dumb bitch that needs someone to explain to her why it's actually a good thing that trans people are banned from the military; why it's a good thing for cis people to mistrust trans people; why it's a good thing she doesn't have the same rights as cisgender folk; why actually, she's just a delusional male! And actually, everything's okay! And so why doesn't she just shut up! Because she's not very bright, and she needs to just! be! quiet!
*
And I'm tired.
And I'm afraid.
And I'm quiet.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-23 04:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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